The Four Horsemen of divorce: insights from love researchers to save your relationship

If you and your partner struggle to communicate, you’re not alone. Relationships can feel like an uphill battle when arguments pile up and moments of connection become rare.

Maybe it feels like there’s no way to break the cycle of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and frustration. But what if the key to saving your relationship lies in avoiding a few critical pitfalls?

Love researchers John and Julie Gottman, founders of the renowned Gottman Institute, have studied relationships for decades.

Their research has identified four destructive communication habits they call the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" of relationships.

 If left unaddressed, the presence of behaviours such as criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt can predict divorce with an accuracy exceeding 90%. Understanding and addressing these behaviours could help you build a healthier, happier partnership.

1. Criticism: The habit of attacking your partner

We all get frustrated sometimes, but when normal complaints turn into toxic criticism, it can damage your relationship. Criticism targets your partner’s character rather than focusing on the specific issue at hand.

For example:

• “You never listen to me. You always care more about your friends than me.”
• Words like “never” and “always” generalise and make your partner feel attacked, leading to defensiveness (another horseman). Instead, try constructive communication.
• Focus on how you feel and what you need: “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard. Can we set aside time to talk?” By avoiding blame and emphasising your feelings, you can bring up concerns without turning them into a personal attack.

2. Defensiveness: The shield that blocks accountability

When your partner brings up a problem, do you find yourself immediately defending your actions? Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism, but it can escalate conflict and prevent resolution.

Defensiveness shifts the focus away from the issue and onto your partner, making them feel invalidated.

Instead of reacting defensively, speaking with Today.com relationship coach Kim Polinder suggests taking the “1% test”:

• Ask yourself: “Is there even 1% truth in what they’re saying?”
• If so, acknowledge it: “You’re right, I should have planned better. I’m sorry.” This small step toward accountability can create space for empathy and problem-solving.

3. Stonewalling: The silent shutdown

Stonewalling happens when one partner emotionally withdraws during an argument. Maybe they stop responding, physically turn away, or leave the room entirely. While it might seem like they’re trying to avoid escalating the fight, this shutdown only deepens the divide.

Stonewalling often happens when someone feels overwhelmed. According to the Gottmans, it’s critical to recognise when you or your partner needs a timeout to de-escalate tension. However, taking a break doesn’t mean ignoring the issue.

Here’s how to manage stonewalling constructively:

• Pause the conversation: Say something like, “I need a moment to calm down, but I promise we’ll come back to this.”
• Set a time limit: Avoid silent treatments or extended breaks. Check in within 20-30 minutes or agree to revisit the topic later that day.
• Self-soothe during the break: Take deep breaths, listen to music, or go for a walk to calm your emotions. Frequent communication and reassurance during breaks can help both partners feel respected and heard.

4. Contempt: The relationship killer

Of all the Four Horsemen, contempt is the most dangerous. It’s the ultimate expression of disrespect, mocking, eye-rolling, sarcasm, and outright disdain for your partner. Contempt doesn’t just hurt feelings; it erodes trust and love over time.

Examples of contempt:

• “Oh, of course you forgot, why am I even surprised?”
• (Eye roll) “You’re so lazy, you’ll never change.”

Contempt breeds resentment and creates a toxic dynamic that’s hard to recover from. To combat contempt, prioritise respectful communication and focus on gratitude:

• Replace cutting remarks with appreciation: Thank you for helping with the dishes today, it means a lot.”
• Use “I” statements to express feelings: “I felt hurt when you dismissed my suggestion earlier. Can we talk about it?”
• Practising kindness, even in small moments, can help rebuild emotional intimacy and trust.

How to move forward

Recognising the Four Horsemen in your relationship is the first step toward healing. But changing patterns takes time, patience, and commitment from both partners.

Here are some actionable steps:

Practice self-awareness: Pay attention to how you communicate during conflicts. Are you falling into any of these patterns?

Focus on small moments of connection: Research shows that couples who share positive, everyday interactions like laughing together or showing affection tend to have stronger relationships.

Seek professional help: A couples therapist or counsellor trained in the Gottman Method can guide you through these challenges and teach you healthier ways to communicate. Relationships are hard work, but they’re worth it.

No matter how stuck you feel, there’s hope for change if both partners are willing to put in the effort. After all, the strongest relationships aren’t the ones without conflict; they’re the ones where both people are committed to working through it together.